My worst blind date…EVER!

“My worst blind date…EVER!”

                WARNING: The following blog is meant for comedic relief, and requires audiences to be 18 and over.  Read at your own discretion. These are not spelling errors; they are representations of accents used by two of the characters.

                I came up with an “I don’t do blind dates” rule about 2 years ago. I think sometimes women think I am not open minded enough and I should exhaust all possible options. Notice, I said the women. Not one of my male friends has ever tried to set me up with someone.  It is typically married women. Now, I have a belief that married women have the best of intentions BUT after you have been married for approximately 3-5 years you lose the keen eye as to what may be appealing to a single man.  When my friends wives would say “Nate, I have someone I want you to meet.” I learned to turn to my confidant, her husband, my loyal pal and ask “Would you date her?”  99% of the time, his affluent speech stutters. It’s like a speech impediment kicks in and his ability to express himself has been locked in the abyss and if he finds it, I am the luckiest bachelor ever. Finally he spits out…”I mean, I don’t think I would.” And my response to his wife: “Then what makes you think I would?!?!” It is time to share my revelation! The truth. The journey. The shift. The one blind date that made me quiver like a boy and realize unless I am willing to become an alcoholic, and sell my soul to traveling evangelists, I can no longer embrace blind dating. 

                Before I was in real estate I was a consultant with a company based out of Los Angeles. A large majority of my clients were Dermatologists and Plastic Surgeons. The company I worked for had never had a consultant based in TN, and when I took over the territory it included a lot of travel.  One of my favorite trips was Knoxville. I loved the drive. I loved the people.   I loved my hotel down on the river on Hill drive. One of my largest clients had 4 locations, so I would stop at the first location which is west of Knoxville and ease my way toward North Knoxville, and then East Knoxville.  A lot of times I would get information about the other locations by starting at the main location which is where the owner of all 4 locations practiced.  On this particular trip I rounded the map, and was at my last stop.  I knew this client the least, and was winding down the day but wanted to make sure I stopped in on my monthly visit.  The main contact at this office (we’ll call her Sonya) always made me a little nervous. Sonya is deep in her “suthen” roots.  She is proud to live a country life, and I admire that, but she always talked really loud and would make comments about things that made my face red. I remember one day she said “Have you seen my man?” She pulls out a picture of this cowboy guy, sitting on a John Deere looking off in the sunset.  She said “He is a GOOD lover, you know what I mean?”  WHO doesn’t know what that means?!?! She talked so loud at times I was always looking around thinking “Did you all hear what she just said?, while my head is jerking back trying to take in the information overload. ”I am red in the face and headed for the door.  I say my farewells and she pulls me aside for the following conversation:

Sonya: “Do you gotta girlfriend?

Me: (THINK FAST NATE! You KNOW where this is going and sometimes it is OK to lie) “Yes.”

Sonya: “Oh, I thought you just said last time you was here that you didn’t?”

Nate:  (Way to go Nate! Don’t you have a counselor you can share this stuff with instead of crazy country lady?) “Oh, well yeah we are not serious, but I have been seeing someone.”

Sonya: “Well, I have a girl you HAVE to meet! You’re a Christian, aint you?”

Nate: (Crap! I can’t lie about that! Can I?) “Yes, but I really just…” INTERUPTED!

Sonya: “Great! Well, ya’ll wood really like each other. Her deddy’s a pentacostal pastor and she sangs in a gospel quartet.” (That was strike 1, 2 and 3 as far as I was concerned).

Nate: “I really just don’t think right now…INTERUPTED AGAIN!

Sonya: “You gotta meet her, even if yall just end up being freeyunds. Everyone can use anuther freeyund..”

Nate:  “Sonya, thanks for thinking about me but I am really just not interested.” 

                At this point I am thinking how strange it is that this woman does not know me at all, and is willing to put her friend on the line with a stranger. My gut was telling me “Don’t even think about it!” I felt like Sonya did not know me well enough to make a decision as to who would be a good fit for me. 

Fast forward 2 days. I have a new voicemail on my corporate voicemail.  That was very odd, because normally my clients just called my cell. As I am trucking down the road I hit one to retrieve the voicemail and all of the sudden the circus is yelling in my ear.

We will call her Sarah (Sayrah), because that is her name. 

Sarah: (Voice in slow motion)“Hey Naythun, this is Sayruh! Sonya gave me your number and told me she thought we need to meet.  She told me sum good thangs about you and I look forward to talking with ya soon. Here is my number…. INTERUPTED  (by me hitting delete). 

The next month I am back in Knoxville and I am at my last call. I have not thought about Sonya, Sayrah or the gospel quartet she sings in since I got the call. I have finished my presentation and I am headed out the door when Sonya very calmly says “Can I talk to you for a minute?”  I go back to her treatment room. She is very calm, collective and a bit worrisome. She was speaking…softly?

Sonya: “Did you not git the call from Sayruh?”

Nate: “Yeah, I did.”

Sonya: “But, you aint called her back?”

Nate: “Yeah, I told you I was not interested.”

Sonya: “But, whats a big deal?”

Nate:  (By this point, I am not worried about losing the account and was ticked that she felt the freedom to give Sayruh my phone number)“I just am not comfortable with set ups. They’re awful!”

Sonya: “But Nate, you have to help me!”

Nate: “With what?”

Sonya: “Her sister is my boss (plot thickens).  I told them I was settin ya’ll up, and gave her your number before I talked to you. Now her sister is frustrated with me, because you won’t call her back! Please, just call her. Even if it’s a group thang, just hang out with her one time Nate. Please, I am new here and they aint happy with me.”

Nate: (As ticked as I am at this woman, she clearly realizes the error in her ways, and I decide to help her). “Ok listen. I will call her and she can come to one of the dinners that I host for one of the Drs. But that is it. You owe me big time!”

Sonya: “I know, I know!! I really do!” Thank you!!” 

That night I call the manager from the main Drs Office and share the story. Now, I am hosting a dinner for them the next night.  I have yet to speak with Sayruh but I am guessing she will come. As I continue explaining the situation Mrs. Allen says “Who is she setting you up with?” I tell her her name, and she starts laughing. I say “Is it really that b…” and before I can finish my sentence I hear her whispering (as if I am deaf) through her giggles to Lisa, another client about who I am getting set up with. They are literally having a ball, and I am thinking “This is not joy that 2 creatures are coming together for a holy throw down kind of connection.” They both were honest and said “I really don’t think youre a fit”, they giggle and then agree to be my relief so the evening ends early. 

That night I call Sayruh.  I am thinking -get off the phone as quick as possible, and invite her to the dessert part of your time with my clients (who clearly know her).  As we are on the phone Sayruh wants to talk, and I mean hardcore talk. Not so much a lot of talking, but SERIOUS information. Here are some of the moments I remember from the conversation:

Sayruh: “So, how long are you in town for this time?”

Nate: “I am probably leaving tomorrow.”

Sayruh: “Oh, I wish you had called last night then.”

Insert crickets here.

Nate: “Well, we will see you tomorrow.”

Sayruh: “Hey!  Are you close to your family?”

Nate: (I’m a little irritated so I choose a different path): “Somewhat. My sister is in Atlanta which is about 4 hours, but my brother is only  1 ½ hours away.”

Sayruh: “Naw, I mean like do yall get along real good silly! I am real close to mine. I cant wait to have my own family with kids and all.”

Nate: (Sonya, you owe me BIG TIME!) “Oh ok, we, we will see you tomorrow. Have a nice night.” 

The next night we have just wrapped up dinner and both of my clients are smirking. The more they smile, the more I remind them that I am human and no one deserves this. I can’t tell you the feeling of knowing you are meeting someone that you KNOW you have no desire to meet, and you will have to somehow with your actions express to her that you’re not interested. At any rate, dinner is over and both of my clients look up smiling and say “Here comes Sayruh.”

I have to be honest and tell you I honestly debated what if there is a connection?” “What if this is a total surprise and we really hit it off?” When Sayruh walked through the door, all of those thoughts…vanished.

Sayruh was dawning a tight, tight, tight denim mini-skirt. She had a silky type blouse that was very revealing of her, you know…her chest. She had on boots up to her knees. As she walked toward the table, she was making a sultry face. You know what I mean? Like, “I am the stuff and look at me in my glory.” I almost didn’t want to interrupt the moment and see her keep walking. Her bangs were about 6-9 inches from her forehead. I remembered when my sisters did that to their hair…15 years ago. 

Sayruh looks at me dead in the face and with a guilty, kind of sly tone she says “So, youre Nathan aintcha?”

Nate: “Yeah. Hi Sarah, how are you?”

Sayruh: “Good. Yall done ate dinner?”

Nate: “Yeah, we wont be here much longer.”

The evening goes on and lucky enough for me my clients are both mature and graceful and decide that they want to help the evening move along with as few awkward moments and statements as possible. We learned that was not possible. As each of us would share a story about our day, or life, we would finish and Sarah would interrupt and say “Oh, I know what you mean! I…” She talked about herself a lot. I (along with everyone in the restaurant) could not help but notice that every time she started to say something to me she said “Naythun.” As soon as I looked her way she would ease her eyes my way, and literally ease up closer to the table, and squeeze her arms on the side of her breasts, and then lean in on the table.  Sayruh is bringin down the house and literally putting her boobs ON the TABLE!

Now, in Sayruhs defense she did not know me or my clients as well as we knew each other, but we were all sharing our jokes and laughing.  Sayruh decided it was her turn to bring some fun to the table. She explains a prank call she made to a salon:

Sarah: And theyun, after they said can I help ya. I saiyad, “Heeey. I was wunderin if yall do waxin.” They told me they do and I saiyad “Well, I need da make me un appointment. But, I need to make sure yall wax buttcracks cuz mines hairy.”

DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to make fun of anyone who may choose to share this type of information, joke about it, or choose to share it on a blind date .

There certainly were laughs all over the table but very little had to do with thinking Sayruh’s joke was funny.

After an awkward time we are finally ending the evening.  I pay the tab, and we are all four headed out the door.  I turn to my client and say “This is going to take a while.” My client chimed in as soon as I said goodbye to Sarah and said “Nate, I need you to bring some samples to my car.” Ah, relief!  I say goodbye to Sarah AGAIN, and walk away. She just smiles and looks at me as if I said “Im in love with you,  its love at first site, please stay!” I take the samples to my client, and realize Sarah has perched herself at the drivers side door of my car. My client looks at me and says “Well, theres not much I can do from here.” She is laughing!

I go back to my car. I tell Sarah again, that it was nice to meet her. She is literally smiling. At this point I am shocked that this girl truly did not pick up that we are nowhere near a good fit for one another. We have nothing in common, but she has not even picked up on a hint of that. You know how I know… 

Sarah: “So…whut hotel you stayin at?’

Nate: “Uh, the Marriott downtown.”

Sarah: “You stayin there alone?”

Nate: (I realize what is going on and cant help but laugh inside a little, and also think WHY cant I have this kind of confidence?!?!) “Yeah. Well again, it was nice to meet you. I have to get going.” I hug her and as I am getting in the car I hear “Next time we hang out lets go bowlin or sumthin.

Nate: ”Bye!”

There you go. That is my G Rated worst blind date ever.  Oddly enough another employee from the same office set me up with  someone I dated, but over the next few years the blind dates just got so bad.  I would walk away from blind dates and think: “How do they think were a fit.” I have literally heard many times from women that have set me up: “I just thought you were both single, and even if you don’t hit it off you can be friends”.

I gladly proclaim that I am single and very content! I smile as I sign off with the hopes that you are able to laugh with me, and what a mess we can make of this stuff…

Signing off…Until Carrie Underwood says “I do”,

Nate