Goodbye Nashville…Hello San Diego!

It is Saturday April 24^th, 4:10 am. My Tylenol pm did not do its job. Perplexed I look at the bottle and realize it had expired 2 years earlier. I have a lot to do, but first things first: shower, stretch and get ready for my second half marathon in Music City.  After my shower, I realize I am grateful for only 5 hours of sleep.  Every minute counts, as it is my last day of my 10 years in TN.

My friend Butch (a seasoned marathoner) came down for support. He drove me to my coral, which gave me the opportunity to escape the transit from LP Field.  I am in coral 8, ipod strapped on my arm, muscles limber, fully loaded with carbs and ready to finish strong.

As the coral moves closer to the finish line, I am bumped by the crowd, the excitement of everyone wanting to cross and begin their run. Finally, the gun goes off, and after inching our way to the front, we’re off. Coral 8 has entered the race.

As I started the run I was intrigued by the thought “Use each moment as your goodbye. What happened here? What are you leaving behind? What are you longing for to be different”?  Immediately there was a burst of sad emotions then overwhelmed with anticipation of what is to come.  Just 8 weeks earlier I had come to the end of my rope. I was stressed to the point where I did not want to be the main character of my life anymore.  I craved margin, community, change-a new canvas. A place to see what the closing of a difficult chapter looked like.  Have you ever thought “I cannot take one more night of my life the way it is”? The chaos of your soul asking for something more, but being so clouded by your circumstances that all you could offer was another day, hanging tight, praying for relief-surviving!   Something is stirring and I am obsessed with finding comfort, when comfort will only keep me on the surface of what is being asked of me. I was up all night and went for a walk in my neighborhoods Pinkerton Park. I watched the sun come up, snow on the ground and the lyrics from Shawn McDonald’s “Captivated” serenading my tired soul :

“The wind and the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me”

Over and over I played the song. I walked through the cold, bundled up like an Eskimo. I daydreamed of change and thought “it’s time. It’s time for me to move on” Mixed with a cluster of thoughts and confusion as to whether or not I could make this change I immediately questioned God, “Is this You”?  My thoughts went straight to San Diego, along with that doubt, BUT I agreed if this were the plan, it will work.

FACT:

My home leased in 3 days… THREE days!

I decided to sell a few things. By a few things, I mean everything. Within 24 hours of my Craigslist post, I sold all of my furniture. .. And I mean ALL!

As I went through and prepared for my grand finale yard sale the next weekend, I only allowed myself to pack what would fit in my car, as if I were moving to San Diego right away. On March 15^th I got settled at my friend’s home and told him I would be there about 4 months as I start my job hunt.

I applied for a job that really excited me 8 days later. They contacted me the NEXT day. I had 2 phone interviews that Friday and confirmed a final interview on April 16^th. I flew out, leased an apartment, and 11 days later I was running my half marathon, prepping my thoughts of my last run through Nashville, and driving across country the next day…

I took a deep breath around mile 1 thinking of my first year in Nashville. I was 22 years old and started a job as a sales rep selling food to restaurants in downtown Nashville.  My boss from that job hired me as her realtor 8 years later.  I met friends from different churches I had visited, and some I had stayed in touch with the whole 10 years.  I thought about the marriages that had taken place, and the many times I served as a groomsmen or simply a guest.  I reminisced about my trips to Alabama, sometimes for the holidays where our “size of a small city” family would play charades, phase 10, or just gorge on my mom’s insane cooking. My godson Tyler was born, my Dad survived 2 brain surgeries, I sat with 2 of my closest friends as they divorced one another, I smoked a lot, I quit smoking a lot, I had a lot of blind dates, I stopped going on blind dates, I ate a lot of food with gravy, I faced many of my fears, I learned about what it means to accept God’s love, and that He is good, I grew enough to know when it was time to move on.

I felt the vision of a 32 year old looking back over the many years of a pursuit of a young man who desperately wanted truth.  He was so sloppy in much of his pursuit, but still brave nonetheless.  He is still sloppy, but has learned that sloppy is part of wholeness…

What I valued most in each thought were people.  I was deeply loved and cared for in TN. I had relationships with people that will last forever.  I was mentored by Ken, who reflected an image of God I had never known.  On our last meeting I was able to tell him that.  “You have been God to me when God seemed too dangerous. Now it is time for me to be one with Him, because I trust Him, and know how much He cares for me”.

As I hit the 3 mile mark, I realized Butch had driven to a stopping point to yell for me. I grew fatigued around mile 5 as I was approaching Belmont Boulevard. As soon as I would consider stopping I would see a friend of mine with my name plastered on their sign, jumping up and down yelling my name. My friends scattered themselves along the race to cheer me on. I was moved… I finished my race and shaved 7 minutes off last year’s time.

That night we gathered at a friend’s home to say our goodbyes.  Through tornado warnings and torrential downpours, 50 of my friends truly weathered the storm to come say goodbye! One friend brought me Dr Seuss’s “The Places You Will Go”. Another: a journal to track the memories of this new chapter.  At 9pm the host gathered everyone in the living room. They took the time to share about our life together. As each person spoke, I breathed deep taking in their words and well wishes. I looked at many of those faces who had walked with me over the past 10 years, and I also saw the difference in us all 10 years later. The sharing is coming to a close and they asked me to kneel. I shared a few words of how much they meant to me and how thankful I am for the impact they have had on my life. They gathered around me and prayed for my new chapter.

It was one of the most sincere outpours of love I had ever experienced. It was the perfect goodbye…

The lessons I learned were:

-When you are in a place of brokenness regardless of what you are facing God is moving you toward a place of knowing more about Him. Our pain can sometimes alter our perception of how good He is, but know as He guides us, His intentions are to bring us to a place of freedom and joy.

-No matter the time frame of what you believe you need to experience relief, if we can sit still and be quiet He moves us to change and opens doors we could not dream up on our best days. It is all planned long before the speed bump.

-No time is ever lost or wasted. Romans 4:18 said Abraham hoped against all hope, but in the end he became a father of many nations. So even when it made no sense to him, it all mattered to God and He had already worked out the larger design long before Abraham heard the voice of light giving him the truth of his future!

I am writing this from my apartment on the beach in Del Mar. My windows are open, and I am listening to the waves.  Many times I have missed my friends, knowing that we are connected through a woven design of experiences that will not be undone.  I carry their thoughts and words with me as I adjust to this new life here.  Each day I feel more distance from what was familiar, and more closeness to this change.  A time and a place that just 9 weeks before my move, I did not know existed.  I am so thankful He spoke to me at my darkest hour, and that He brought me to my knees to find the direction of my next step; Closer to the ocean, closer to Him.  What a run!

To new beginnings bigger than me…